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Imagining “a date or two” with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez because she is, “kind of cute,” is grosser: the obvious erotic fantasy here is that young women’s thoughts and opinions are merely sublimations of unmet sexual desires just waiting to be exorcised through sexual conquest by some figure of masculine, conservative (and by implication, patriarchal) power and vitality.This same fantasy recently played out in more odious and distressingly pedophilic terms when conservative commentators turned their Penthouse gaze on the teenage climate activist, Greta Thunberg, speculating, as to whether she needs, in the words of Breitbart columnist John Nolte, “a spanking or a psychological intervention.”Or, in 2018, there was the now-banned-from-Twitter alt-Right “comedian” Owen Benjamin, who spent a strange evening that April speculating about the genitals of David Hogg, the anti-gun activist and so-called “Parkland Teen.” “Anyway,” he mused, “when did you grow pubes? If so, did you find your friends had flooded it with demands that Andy Samberg run them over with a Mack truck, immediately?Did you feel shocked, if not necessarily appalled, at such an aggressive outpouring of horniness from a group of typically level-headed people?The small crowd was at least 50 percent hecklers; a security guard presumably hired to keep order resolutely refused to take Wohl’s directions or, actually, do anything at all; the well-muscled fake accuser could not stop giggling at the statement that had been prepared for him, and when he stripped off his shirt to reveal a pale scar purportedly caused by the violent physical depredations of a slight, 70-something former college professor, he also revealed a tattoo of logo of Vin Diesel’s x Xx film franchise. The Marine was not a gigolo, or at least, not a gigolo for a high-class outfit, as alleged. A now-deleted Instagram account that appeared to belong to him — at least, it appeared to belong to another young man who enjoys posing topless — showed the same scar from many years earlier. In their attempted smear of Robert Mueller, the duo created a harrowing tale of rape.In their pass at Buttigieg, they drafted a salacious tale of the predatory older gay man creeping on young boys, drawing on the Kevin Spacey and Bryan Singer scandals as sordid inspiration.But here, the story was that Elizabeth Warren had had sex.Perhaps paid for it, with a man who was not her husband, but with full consent, and with a good-looking guy.

Burkman is now best known for standing with his fly down through an entire press conference called to promote a concocted allegation of sexual misconduct against special counsel Robert Mueller.(Presumably Taccone, another third of the Lonely Island comedic trio.) His face is bearded and his hair is slightly rumpled and only one of his sleeves is rolled. pic.twitter.com/P5v1Awl Dgr— The Lonely Island (@thelonelyisland) April 11, 2019? See: This photo oozes horny from its every pore and yet I am hard-pressed to say why, exactly, it excites such widespread and unadulterated passion. But if I may presume to throw in my own two cents, it’s the chaotic good that gets me, too.All these disparate details, unremarkable on their own, come together to form a distinctly horny whole. You caught me just as I was about to watch a new hashtag brooklyn99 tonight on NBC. How to distill down the essence of its horndog-inducing powers? I cannot claim to be immune to this photo’s charms, and as best I can tell, it’s the whiff of casual mischief emanating from an alert, interested face that gets me.He and Wohl had also very briefly attempted to paint Pete Buttigieg as a sexual predator, before that too collapsed under the weight of disappearing “accusers” and general recrimination. On October 3 — the very next day — Wohl and Burkman, on the steps of Burkman’s own townhome at 1599 North Colonial Terrace in Arlington, Virginia, would “be joined by a former Marine who claims to have been in an ongoing sexual relationship” with one Elizabeth Warren sometime over the last year.“These charges,” the press release continued, “will shock the conscious of the nation.” Sic.Sure enough, the next morning, a TV showing a sign reading “Elizabeth Warren Cougar? Like so much of the alternative conservative universe that’s grown in the alluvium of Trumpism’s great flood — from Wohl and Burkman to Bikers for Trump to Diamond and Silk — the effort had a charming haphazardness, the quality of bad but earnest, community theater. On the driveway below, a cheap, spare-room end table — the sort of furniture you’d buy to hastily furnish your empty new apartment after a bad divorce — bore two lonely boxes of Dunkin’ Donuts. The presser was, as Trump himself might say, a mess.




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